Cheeky Quotes

Sunday, 30 September 2012

Fantasies

We all have our fantasies some of them fade off with the age, some of them come back to you at certain interval of your life , some of them remain with you forever . I am gonna share some of mine with you all 

1. Saving school from terror attack :- Dreamed about it a lot where I fight like chuck norris and knock-out at least two or three of them . Then die like a martyr followed by my awesome funeral . My family would  receive some posthumous medal for me and my school might start a football league in my honour .

2. Being an hacker/awesome computer guy :- Had it a few times when I was reading about Assange, Sean parker and Anonymous. This fantasy usually goes this way I trace terrorists, fight for freedom of speech with Anonymous or start a site like facebook.

3. Being the dictator head of my country :- It involves me being the powerful head of my country taking all the tough decisions. Stop illegal construction , mining , taking initiative for clean water and future planning etc etc. As much as I wish for this watching an episode of family guy (It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One) made me realise that even if I become some politician , I would be no better than  any other of them.

4. Being invisible:- I guess this is more of a guy fantasy because first thing I would do is see girls naked and then steal away whatever I want . In correlation to it I can manage with the power of night crawler to teleport wherever I want . I don't know what a girl would do after she gets invisible .

5. Going back in time/stopping the time :- This one is sad because I want to undo my mistakes but mostly my family's series of stupid decisions . Although this limits to my eight grade before that there wasn't any significant mistakes in my life. Stopping the time comes to me before a difficult exam or a approaching deadline and sometimes in a boring a lecture with lots of hot girls .

6. Surviving Zombie apocalypse :- I have always been a fan of zombie genre movie and would love to see it happen but with so many movies on this subject I guess even of it happens it wouldn't last long.

7. Having the perfect love story :-  I don't dream of it everyday but it comes to sometimes. Its difficult to happen as I am big introvert when it comes to expressing emotions and I don't like to spend my money on others (seriously if stereotypes are true I am worse then jews) . Also right now I don't even have a crush on anybody which is a bit liberating. I don't know what exactly love is but as far as I have figured is that moment when you are to differentiate it from your lust.

8. Being rich 

Apart from that I always wanted to be a rapper though I don't have much skills in that area I just want the respect after winning a rap battle . I guess same goes with being a hacker and good at gaming. Anyway I can still save my university from terrorist attack jk, I might run away and give interviews to reporters outside. There are many more of them but these are the most prominent ones.

Monday, 24 September 2012

Thing that you don't want to hear from your pilot

1. Allahu Akbar.
2.Hey (name of co-pilot), stop that! It’s ticklish! Heehee..not there, no! Stop that..haha.. Stop playing around! Oh shoo! The PA system is on! 
3. To the co-pilot in mid air - you checked the fuel indicators right ?
4. I should quit drugs man, i feel like i am flying.
5. Ok folks how many of you wants to see the empire state building.
6. Thank god I always carry my lucky parachute
7. We have lost one of our engine remain calm .
8. But google earth is indicating to turn right .
9.  Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be on the ground in approximately 10 minutes. One way or the other.
10.This is your captain speaking.. We are going to play a little geography game. Be the first 3 persons to recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and win a tasty pack of roasted peanuts 

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Wanna get fired ? here are some things that would get you there

1. Learn to say these words "Thats not a part of my job description".
2. Point out to boss's family photos , if the kid is ugly remark "thats some monkey you got there " and if the daughter is hot "Holy shit! is that your daughter " then take a look at him and say "must be your wife's genes"
3. Try to show off your magic skills in staff meetings.
4. Bring gifts for boss's wife and tell him that she loves that colour.
5. Watch porn in the office 
6. Show up at your boss's house late at night and tell him that you are crashing there for the night .
7. Take up your boss's parking space.
8. Sip coffee or water off his table.
9. Demand him to come to your cubicle if he wants to talk.
10. Make memes of him and mail it to him.

Friday, 21 September 2012

Thing a doctor shouldn't say in his career

1. After circumcision operation :- Congratulations you have now been castrated ,oh wait shit!.
2. During operation to nurse :- Nurse its your birthday today so you will cut the patient 
3. Sir we have to open you again my Rolex is in you.
4. Before operation to patient :- I don't think I can do this man!Its too much pressure.
5. I did change the syringe right ? right ???
6. Your blood test show that you have cancer. Oh no wait that was someone else report , you have Aids .
7.Roses are red, Violets are blue, the hooker you just fucked gave you gonorrhoea too .
                                       
                                    
Pic related , this is the x-ray of a woman in Sydney  named Pat Skinner who after 18 months of the operation found out that the doctor had left a pair of scissor inside her

Things Guy could do after breakup

1. Gaming :D. Time to kick ass in virtual world as your real life isn't going anywhere now .
2. Living on the couch :- Drink , eat and sleep on the couch, get up only to piss and always wear sweatpants 
3. Burn and smash - This includes stuff that she gave you, pictures of her and things you bought for her .
4. Grow a beard.
5. Get home alone and sing as loud as you can / watch chick flicks .
6. Get laid to get over her or the easy way :- watch porn and masturbate.
7. Realise that the only way you would get a girl again is work on your body but don't work on it anyway .
8. Stalk her facebook profile / buy a pet.
9. Realise that what all you could have done rather than being with her / reunite with your single bros.
10 Cry yourself to bed thinking that she was the only girl for you and you will never be loved again .
I have never been through a break up so these are just stereotypes and feedback from friends .

Thursday, 20 September 2012

God

I don't really know whether, I believed in god or not. I remember my brother telling that religion is a constitution that cannot be amended (despite the fact he is deeply religious though in a human way ). Also it is often said that instead of wishing for a bicycle its easier to steal one and ask for forgiveness. People always insists on the fact that god is impartial even though they can't explain the suffering of thousands of innocent people in Somalia and Afghanistan. As of now religion has only placed barriers for people to live together. Even if there is a god I presume he is losing to the devil in a very pathetic way. Racism , Sexual attraction ,laziness and greed have been implanted in our brains and we just live in a denial state. Also , for me I never got any proof of god. A religious book is same for me as a Harry potter book its just that we can see J K Rowling. The concept of heaven always amazed me because despite the fact that no one had ever seen it, people did crazy things to go there (9/11). I believe that providing charities to religious institutions is a waste of money as they act as a middlemen in the process of helping the needy and the poor. I guess the concept of god was developed so that people would be able to live in harmony as the basic teachings of all the religions are same , they all promote non violence , peace and compassion. Its better to live a life as a compassionate human and be a atheist than being a total scumbag yet a believer .
I guess it easier for me not to believe in god because if he/she exists I am sure going to hell. As Lev Yilmaz said If he/she is there , one thing is sure that he would be terribly disappointed in us. Pic related god could be black too

Monday, 17 September 2012

Death

I am 18 and people would say that not a age to think about dying  but as Bob Dylan said "if you are not busy living you're busy dying". So today I am taking this time out to let you know how I want to go away. Normally people want others to come to there funeral to pay last respects and mourn. I don't understand the  mourning  part, to me funeral is the last chance for you to make someone smile. I have always told my brother that my funeral should be the most awesome one ever. Though I am a Hindu I want to be buried like Christian this give me more opportunity to celebrate my death. Here are the few things that I want at my funeral

1. I want "baby got back " and "without me" to be played at my funeral. These songs could make anything and everything funnier. 
2. Perhaps someone could perform a stand up comedy act about death 
3. This might sound childish but I want someone to change my Facebook status to "re spawning in 5 4 3 2 1 "
4. I want my tomb to carry something funny that people remembered me by like " the guy who followed Bro before hoes to death "

I know at later ages perhaps I might want none of it. But I am sure that I do not want anyone to shed tears for me that I can't even see. Also when I go I want it to be as painless as possible , I don't to die in a hospital with my crap being wiped off by a nurse. As for the serious part here a few things that you should actually do.

1. If  you are old and know your end is coming , divide your property equally and efficiently so that there is quarrel and suing wars among your family when you go. 
2. If you don't have a family then, give away everything to charity. Its better to give it to charity then having some scum-bag distant relative of yours to claim it .
3. Organ donation - give away anything that is possible . Eyes for sure doesn't disfigure you in anyway.
4. NO REGRETS - when you go away don't have any regrets. You don't want yourself to be one day, sitting alone thinking that if you had proposed to that girl in your college you might have had a family that could have looked after you today .

I know that living a life without regrets isn't possible but then have the courage to face them . Well this is what I believe and even if anyone of you want everybody to mourn at your death its totally normal .

Saturday, 28 April 2012

Fartology

Today I was going to Delhi via metro being a Saturday morning there wasnt much rush in the train , only the mild sound of the train running on tracks and the frequent announcements in the train could be heard . Then an uncle in his mid thirties let out a strong , silence breaking fart . With an embarrassing smile he turned to his newspaper again and giggles ran through our compartment . I having nothing to do turned my head and began window thinking (I am not sure that if that is a word but I think most of us know what i am talking about) about farts .

Shaikh Saadh once wrote
O Sage ! the stomach is the prison house of wind ,
the sagacious contain it not in captivity ,
if wind torment thy belly , release it, fart,
for the wind in the stomach is like a stone in the heart,

Farts have great impact on ones social life . A fart could lighten a tough situation or it could create a embarrassing moment for rest of your life . If you are in school it might lead you to be recognized as "paddu" (the farter) . Farts can be categorised 4 in categories 

1. The smell bomb :- Worst of its kind usually caused due to constipation or genetics . The person who has planted is usually the one who denies it first (might be a myth but whenever i am responsible I blame others) . Again a myth but the person who has planted it might not find it that smelly .

2.The Chain reaction :- The continuous fart that stops when all the wind is out .The most satisfying of all one feels a sense of accomplishment after its out . Two asana of yoga and you might be at it . Common in old people and usually it is not smelly

3.The atomic bomb :- The volume is high and stink seldom accompany. Most embarrassing in public . High risk of poop constantly lurks . 

4.The defused bomb :- It goes out slowly with minimum sound. Makes you happy because of no stink and sound. You wish for more of them when you are in tough situation . 

Even after all the embarrassment Farting is one of the most satisfying experience for people . The uncle on the metro were happy to let it go . So keep farting its just as pleasurable as having sex (in some situations ).

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

When I Grow Up

Every kid dreams to become a doctor or an architect or someone that earns a lot of money.I want to become one of these


1.Ari Gold from Entourage 
2.Barney Stinson From How I Met Your Mother 
3.Robert Downey Jr 
4.Eminem 5.Chandler Bing From Friends 

Monday, 26 March 2012

Relax

CBSE 12th class exams just got over and some of you might not be able to perform as you wished you could but i wanted to remind you that there are people that are worse than you .So i got a collection of pics off the net to illustrate my point 














Sunday, 25 March 2012

A Racist Mind

In some way or the other we know that all of us are racist . So that made me think that what would a racist mind think about the various people he comes across 
  • Indians :- 
  • A racist mind might think that he is a Paki terrorist 
  • It would wonder that whether he smelled like curry 
  • It might wonder that was he the same person that he met on omegle .
  • It would wonder that had it seen him in slumdog millionaire
  • African American :-
  • A racist mind might wonder that whether the guy could rap or not
  • It fantasize about speaking in their accent 
  • It would count the "damns" and the "thats what i am talking about " in their conversation 
  • It would think that they all look the same
  • Asians:-
  • A racist mind would believe that they are good at math
  • It wouldn't be positive about their driving
  • It would be impressed of their ability to play the computer games 
  • It would think that they all look the same 
  • Jewish :-
  • A racist mind would take all the business advice
  • It would wonder that if anyone one was a holocaust survivor
  • It would wonder that where do they worship
 
IF any one was offended reading this it was not my intend and i am totally against racism .I am an indian so its not offensive for indians .

 

Types Of Zombies

I have been a big fan of the zombie movies since I was a kid . Over the years I watched a lot of the good ones so i am Compiling a list of various zombies I saw 

1.Nazi Zombies 
Appeared in the movie snow dead 
2. Fat Zombie
Appeared in the movie Zombieland . Great mixture of zombies and comedy 
3. Zombie Strippers
Zombies with talent you can say . Movie :- Zombie strippers
4. Zombie Dogs 
They might make you a cat person. movie :- Resident evil
5. The Smart Ass Zombie
Hoping to develop some human characteristics are the dreams of every zombie
Movie :- Land of the Dead 
6. Celebrity Zombie 
Shit happens Jay Leno Zombie  . Movie :- Dawn of the dead 
7. Zombie Kids 
From AMC :- The walking dead 

Saturday, 24 March 2012

                                       An IIT Dream 
Since IIT-JEE is near I am sure that there are plenty of student that now believe that it is just a dream for them . The only thing they could do is warn their juniors about studying from the start or not joining the coaching they went or just advising them about which tuition to join.So today i gonna tell you the phases that a normal average students goes through for whom IIT slowly becomes a dream :-

They are pretty much similar to the Ross grief model 

DENIAL :- Believing that the studies are not that hard .Thinking that big IIT books arent that big, this is probably the start of you screwing up. 
Starting period :- Middle of 11th and Middle of 12th 
Reasons:- One of main reason is laziness. Also it could be a big distraction like a computer game or addiction to phone
Effects :- Its the start of the whole process if you avoid it in time YOU ARE A WINNER
Lasts :- depends upon the type of person from a year to just before the exam 

ANGER :- You would curse yourself for wasting all that time .You would try to remember the time when you made the promises to yourself when you took up the notorious 'non med stream' 
Starting period :- The Start of every semester in both the classes 11th as well as 12th 
Reasons :- Your DENIAL :P
Effects :- Increases your efficiency ,guilt 
Lasts :- Very short followed by a very long negotiation 

NEGOTIATION :- The feel that its not too late but You know that it is. Its the art of lying to your self .Suddenly it becomes all clear to you. That books , That teacher , The coaching class weren't that bad after all. You try to eat a year's rice in a month by set ting impossible portion in a given time 
Reasons :- You might be a good student a while ago or Just plain Fear 
Effects :- Makes you Einstein just before the Exams ,Gives you a sense of the lost time 
Lasts :- Just before your exams when the time remaining makes it impossible to finish up your portion 

DEPRESSION :- Worst of all the phases the sense of time loss is can be pretty painful 
You certainly picture yourself at start of the year. Spend your free time thinking what went wrong. You blame Yourself and everybody around you.Look for options that are not that good enough. You would want the time to stop. Also panic might grip you 
Reasons :- The Truth , Denial and zero hope 
Effects :-  Would certainly effect your health and career ahead 
last :- During and after the Exams if You were once a good student 

ACCEPTANCE :- Comes with time. It makes you happy that the process has ended but at same time you know that what belonged to you is now just not yours . 
Reasons :- Because its the truth and you cant change the past 
Effects :- Can be drastic if you learned from your experience
last :- Rest of your life to just start of your college depending on you